I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
