I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
