My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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