I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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