I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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