I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
