Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
