I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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