oh god the rape fog is back!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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