You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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