I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
