i was born a porn star she said
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
