i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
