you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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