highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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