I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize