Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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