the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
