A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
