Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
