We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
