I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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