I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
