my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
