I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
