Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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