2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
