Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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