My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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