Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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