if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
