so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize