I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
