Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we're making bets on your personal life
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
