so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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