Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
