I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
im holly from the hills drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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