My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
