i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
