he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
