how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
