So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
