um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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