Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
