he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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