my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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