okay pat passed out under dana's car
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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