I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
