I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Buhtt sex?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
