you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
