You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
