The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
