I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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