I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We just shotgunned beers for America
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
