So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
