she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
