Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
